Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Dashing Hopes
As soon as I convince myself that this really might be it..the nausea continued, the sleepiness increased, my breasts were more tender...all the signs appeared...and then they disappeared just as quickly. Tomorrow I'm going for my progesterone test, so we will know in a couple days whether or not I even ovulated. Still waiting...
Friday, February 12, 2010
Disappointment Waiting Right Around the Corner
In my last post I let you know that I thought I started ovulating about a week ago. Well, since then the nausea has continued and my stomach is rumbly and gassy. Now, of course, I know that if I really were pregnant, I wouldn't really feel anything. I'm pretty sure that it is probably all the junk food I have eaten while being snowed in for the week...explains the bloating too. A part of me is excited to find out if I did ovulate and could possibly be pregnant, but the other part knows that I'm just setting myself up for a huge letdown. Why do I do this to myself? I could definitely tell a difference in my body with the 100mg of Clomid, but I think that I'm definitely overthinking this entire thing. The reason this is coming up is because we are going out tonight with Megan and Paul, and I really want to drink a margarita. Do I partake even though there is a slight chance that I could be pregnant...or is it so slight that I should just relax and enjoy myself. Now that I've just written it, I think relax is the way to go. I can't live my life on pins and needles always hoping and thinking I"m pregnant. Monday is my progesterone test, so I'll probably know by Tuesday or Wednesday if the 100mg of Clomid really had any impact. Waiting...
Monday, February 8, 2010
O-uch?!?!?
This past week has been my fertile week, and we're still going this week as well. I did notice that I am much crampier than usual, but haven't really felt like I have ovulated. I used to be able to feel my body ovulate when I was younger. Today in the car when we were driving to dinner, I got a sharp stabbing pain where my right ovary would be. Could it have been ovulation? I am still pretty convinced that I am not going to get there on clomid alone, but it was a good sign.
I did take a pregnancy test this morning. I have been feeling so nauseous for the past week that I thought, maybe?!?! I wonder if my hormones really are responding to the clomid and that is what has been causing the nausea. Something is happening. Should I happen to get pregnant on this cycle, we will be in the hospital with all the other blizzard babies in nine months.
I did take a pregnancy test this morning. I have been feeling so nauseous for the past week that I thought, maybe?!?! I wonder if my hormones really are responding to the clomid and that is what has been causing the nausea. Something is happening. Should I happen to get pregnant on this cycle, we will be in the hospital with all the other blizzard babies in nine months.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Long time
I have not posted recently. This is for a number of reasons...the main reason being that I am not very hopeful that I will ever have another baby, and writing this just makes me feel even more desperate.
This past weekend was Brady's 5th birthday. It has been really hard for me to see him getting so big and knowing that this might be the only time I get the chance to see my baby grow up. I have decided to step down from my team-leader position at school and go part time next year so that I can be home for Brady when he is in kindergarten. If I only get one shot to do this mommy thing, I'm going to give Brady everything I have.
I started my cycle last week, and this time took a double dose of Clomid (100mg). Though I have had painful cramping, I do not feel as if I have ovulated, though I am only on day 9 of my cycle today. It has been especially difficult to even track my cycles becuase I am never sure when my period actually begins. Before the real bleeding begins, there are days when there is pink mucus when I wipe. Nobody has definitively been able to tell me if that counts as menstruating or not. I'm certainly not going to go and wipe at the doctor's office and ask him.
Way down deep I feel that I could/should have another baby, but 75% of my being feels that it will never happen. At this point, I can't even imagine what my life would be like to find that I actually am pregnant. I have been disappointed for so long, that I don't even know what it would feel like to actually be successful, and how crazy my life would be. I've even thought that maybe it is God's plan for me to have an only child. I mean, everyone has more than one, so maybe I am special because I only have one, and not a half dozen. I see other moms with two kids, and I don't even see myself in them. I saw pictures of Greta and her two boys and feel jealous that Hillery will have that, and I never will.
My baby is so big now, and I feel like life and time is just passing me by. I feel like a hamster running in a wheel, but not going anywhere. How can I be trying and my body not react to anything! It just makes me feel freakish.
Pretty soon a bunch of girls at my work are going to be pregnant (within months). I don't know if it will be harder to join thier ranks after all I have been through, or watch them go through it and still not be able to get pregnant. I am so unsure of how it will even feel that it is scary. While I am happy with my life as it is, it is frustrating to work so hard for something that you may never achieve.
This past weekend was Brady's 5th birthday. It has been really hard for me to see him getting so big and knowing that this might be the only time I get the chance to see my baby grow up. I have decided to step down from my team-leader position at school and go part time next year so that I can be home for Brady when he is in kindergarten. If I only get one shot to do this mommy thing, I'm going to give Brady everything I have.
I started my cycle last week, and this time took a double dose of Clomid (100mg). Though I have had painful cramping, I do not feel as if I have ovulated, though I am only on day 9 of my cycle today. It has been especially difficult to even track my cycles becuase I am never sure when my period actually begins. Before the real bleeding begins, there are days when there is pink mucus when I wipe. Nobody has definitively been able to tell me if that counts as menstruating or not. I'm certainly not going to go and wipe at the doctor's office and ask him.
Way down deep I feel that I could/should have another baby, but 75% of my being feels that it will never happen. At this point, I can't even imagine what my life would be like to find that I actually am pregnant. I have been disappointed for so long, that I don't even know what it would feel like to actually be successful, and how crazy my life would be. I've even thought that maybe it is God's plan for me to have an only child. I mean, everyone has more than one, so maybe I am special because I only have one, and not a half dozen. I see other moms with two kids, and I don't even see myself in them. I saw pictures of Greta and her two boys and feel jealous that Hillery will have that, and I never will.
My baby is so big now, and I feel like life and time is just passing me by. I feel like a hamster running in a wheel, but not going anywhere. How can I be trying and my body not react to anything! It just makes me feel freakish.
Pretty soon a bunch of girls at my work are going to be pregnant (within months). I don't know if it will be harder to join thier ranks after all I have been through, or watch them go through it and still not be able to get pregnant. I am so unsure of how it will even feel that it is scary. While I am happy with my life as it is, it is frustrating to work so hard for something that you may never achieve.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
