Baby Bedding

The bedding for Brooke's room was delivered yesterday, and the nursery is really coming along. I have washed all the newborn and 0-3 month clothes that Susie sent over (my goodness there are a ton...no new clothes needed!), and Brad is in the process of ripping out the old closet, painting the closet, and installing a new closet system. When the closet system is done I will probably be able to put away all the clothes up to 18 months (seriously!). Today we are going to head out to get a couple hundred hangers and canvas boxes from Pottery Barn. I can't wait for everything to be done so I can start organizing and putting away! ...only 14 more weeks to go!

It's a Girl!

Okay, so I have zero willpower. We knew that we were returning to the doctor on Tuesday for another ultrasound so they could get measurements that they couldn't get the first time. We had decided that we wanted to know the gender and we wanted to have the tech put the results in an envelope for us to open on Christmas....great plan right?!?!?

Well, Brady ended up having a 2 hour delay that morning, and the timing of our appointment meant that he had to come with us. So Brad, Brady, and I were all there when she asked if we wanted to know. So, I figured that God put all of us there at that point so that we could find out together.

When the technician said that she thinks that it is a GIRL. I didn't react the way I thought that I would. After having Brady, I was always so jealous of everyone that was getting pregnant and especially those pregnant with girls. I really thought that if I found out I was having a girl that I would be elated, crying for joy. Instead, I was shell shocked. I really thought that we were having a boy, and even if, for a moment, I considered the thought of a girl, it didn't stick around for long. I was so excited to meet our new baby boy and after snuggling with our new nephew and Godson, Maxson, I couldn't imagine anything better than another little boy. It took a few days for "girl" to sink in. I still can't really imagine life with another girl in the house, so that is a little unsettling, but we are excited nonetheless.

Susie is packing up all of Sophia's baby clothes so I can get a jump on cleaning and organizing the nursery over break. Now that we know a baby girl is on her way, there all of a sudden seem to be so many things that I now need to do to get ready.


...and we are naming her Brooke Eileen!

Gender

Okay, so the past few days I have just started to panic about being ready for the baby. I think that my biggest pitfall is that I am not anticipating this baby being very difficult. Well, yesterday I started thinking about all the stuff that a baby requires, and I relized that although we have the big stuff like a crib, stroller, swing, high chair, bouncy seat, ...I don't have the little stuff like burp clothes, blankets, onesies...

Then I talked myself into realizing that if I don't know what the baby's gender is that there is no way that I could be completely prepared, and what if this isn't as easy as I am anticipating? I mean, Brady was a pretty easy baby, what are the chances that I will have another one that is so easy?

Talked to a friend at work today who convinced me that I should make a list, I can still be prepared and not know what gender the baby is. She convinced me.

I think that because all my friends that are having babies in the spring are finding out what they are having, it is going to make me want to know more...especially since I'm due before all of them. Thank goodness Mandy is with me on the unknowing side, so I'll have someone to speculate with.

To top it all off, I found out that my friend, Jamie, is having twin girls, and my friend Jen is having a boy. My mom also won a basket of baby supplies in a church raffle this weekend, and she got the baby boy basket...is it a sign from God?

...as of right now, we are still in the dark about the gender, and plan to remain that way. I'll let you know if my pregnancy hormones steer me off course anytime soon.

Banning Maternity Pants

Okay, so now, at five months my pants are finally unable to zip. My butt and my legs still fit into my regular pants, it is just my belly that doesn't fit anymore. I have been using my BellaBand and my new beBand to continue wearing my regular pants. My favorite jeans ripped a hole in the crotch this weekend, so I'm kind of stuck there. I just can't justifying buying a new wardrobe of maternity pants to only wear for three months and then possibly never again...especially when I can make do with what I currently have. I am going to cave and buy one pair of maternity jeans (due to the rippage in the other pair). I thought about going and buying a new pair of jeans in my same size, but then realized that the next time I go to put them on next fall, I have no idea what size I am going to be...hopefully smaller than when I began!

As for weight gain so far, I am still down 5.5 pounds from when I started. My goal is to not be heavier than I was at my most with Brady. At this rate, if I gain 2 pounds in December, I can still gain one pound every week in the last trimester and be at the same point at delivery. The crazy thing is that I'm not really doing anything differently. The only thing I have really given up is soda and the only other thing that is really different is that I really have no cravings for meat (which makes dining out much healthier for me).

We'll see what the next four months bring!

More Pictures!

Here are new pictures from our most recent ultrasound on November 18th at 20 weeks. All the measurements came back good except they couldn't get good measurements of the face. You can even see in the pictures that the baby's face was smushed up against the uterine wall. I think that they need better measurements of the face structures. Which means...I get to go back and do it all over again in a few weeks...so I'll have even more pictures to share then!

The BIG Ultrasound

Brad and I went for the BIG 20 week ultrasound last week. My tech was a little hard to read (not overly friendly). We let her know that we didn't want to know the gender of the baby and she let me know that I needed to keep reminding her or she might forget...really!?!?! So I, obnoxiously, reminded her every three minutes not to tell us. She did slip up on three different occasions, whether her pronoun choice was purposeful or accidental, I do not know. In the beginning of the ultrasound she refered to the baby as "he", but towards the end she used "she" and "her" once as well. The quote that sticks out in my mind is, "We aren't getting good enough pictures of the face so you'll probably have to come back in three weeks when the baby is in a better position, hopefully she'll be more cooperative then."

Based on our clues, we are thinking that it might actually be a girl, but my gut really can't comprehend that. I still feel, and can't imagine it being anything other than a boy. Only 20 more weeks until we know for sure!

Halfway!

To quote Brady's favorite band, Big Time Rush...

"We're halfway there...lookin' good now...nothin's gonna get in our way..."

I can't believe that I am already 20 weeks along. I just started feeling tons of kicks and movement this week and the big ultrasound is scheduled for today. I still fit into all of my regular clothes, though I do like to wear maternity clothes becuase it shows off my bump a little bit better, but as far as comfort, I'm fine in everything. I have had NO cravings and I'm still 6 pounds lighter than when I found out that I was pregnant. I also don't have any real aversions...nothing that makes me sick to my stomach. I am definitely more into eating fruits and veggies and meat is not my thing this pregnancy. I can go to a restaurant and get a salad and a potato (my new fav meal at Outback) and be perfectly satisfied. I also have not had any real cravings for sweets. Desert just doesn't float my boat these days either (could explain the drop in weight).

This could be a pretty perfect pregnancy! Might make having a third even more appealing ;)

Holy Twins, Batman!

No, I am not having twins. But in the past week I have found out that two of my close friends are! I am so thankful that I am pregnant at this point in my life, because I am able to feel such a sense of joy for them during this time. It was so hard being jealous when I was struggling to get pregnant, and it was a feeling that I didn't want, but my natural instinct wouldn't let me not feel it. Probably God's way of letting me know that I really did want another.

It is strange as you look at families that are older and you can only imagine them the way they are: married with twins, or three, or four...it is so hard to make the decision of when to start and when to stop. But when all is said and done, every family appears complete. As strongly as I would like to have three children, I would be happy with two. It's strange that just a few months ago I was trying to come to grips with the idea that I need to be happy with just one, which I think I would have been able to easily accept.

The idea of your love doubling, tripling, quadrupling for your children is something that I have not yet experienced yet. I can understand it, however. When my nephew, Carter, was born I loved him just as much as I loved Brady, and with Sophia, love grew even more. Having only Brady for six years is a time that we will both cherish, and a time that is really has made a huge impact on our relationship with him. We really have gotten to know him as a person on his own before throwing siblings into the mix. He will always be special, and he will always be (literally) a head and shoulders above his siblings. The greatest joy for me is seeing how excited he is to have "our baby". He has definitely taken ownership over the baby and thinks of it as his own. He prays for the baby, draws pictures for the baby, and even reads to my belly so the baby can hear him. He is going to be an amazing big brother!

Pregnant at Disney

I have felt great in the first four to five month of this pregnancy. I still have not experienced nausea, exhaustion, or weight gain...then came Disney. I was so exhausted after walking around the parks for 10 hours a day for five days that I just fell apart! Thank goodness no nausea, but the exhaustion was ridiculous. By the end of the day I was waddling around like I was 9 months pregnant and ready to give birth on a Micky park bench. My muscles were so tired of holding my belly in that it must have given the baby some room to grow. I came back with tired feet, and a belly that doesn't fit comfortably into my pants anymore. Now, I know that most of this was inevitable, but I can't help but think that the physical exertion on this trip sped up the process a bit.

You can see me sitting on the Safari ride at Animal Kingdom with a 17 week belly and ready to brace myself for any bumps in the road. Thankfully, everything that I read on most of the websites was correct, and this ride was fine for expectant mothers. I'm sure Disney doesn't want to take a chance by not putting up the warning. This was the only "off-limits" ride that I attempted while there. It was really like riding a jeep through the zoo. Heather put it best when she said, "I can see a rhino's butt at the Baltimore Zoo if I wanted to!"

Crib is up!

Is it terrible to post the same thing on two different blogs? Brad and Brady put up the new baby's crib. Brady was so excited to help out and give his old crib to the new baby. You can see the wall color, which will not change based on the baby's gender, and I have already picked out boy and girl bedding to go with the walls. It is a little tricky for someone who likes to plan ahead for me to not decorate the entire bedroom before the baby gets here.

This is what Brady's room looked like when he came home from the hospital...

You Know You're Really Pregnant When...

a mom at the bus stop who has only known you for a few weeks recognizes that your belly is sticking out and assumes that you are pregnant and not just fat! I love you Kim!

NT results

All the test results from last weeks NT came back great. She said that the chance of the baby having Downs Syndrome is 1 in 1,998 and the other birth defect that they test for the chance was 1 in 10,000. Those are some pretty good odds!

New Pictures

Today Brad and I took off work to go for our NT (nuchal translucency) test. They measure the amount of space in the spinal column to determine the risk of the baby having Down's Syndrome. Brad and I determined (even when we were pregnant with Brady) that the results of this type of test would not impact our decision to have the baby, but we would like to be prepared and for the doctors to be prepared as well. Based on my age and the measurements they took today, my risk went from 1in 450 to 1 in 2,000 chance that the baby would have Down's. We are still waiting for the results of the bloodwork to make all this final.

Here's our little thumbsucker. Baby wouldn't turn and give the techs a good side profile shot. The only one we got was with Baby's hand in front of his/her face.

Brady thinks that the top picture looks like Darth Vadar...I'm not going to lie, I think that he's right. The bottom picture is a shot of the legs and the butt (I think). It might be top down, but I'm not sure. I tried to figure out if it is a boy or a girl, but at this point boys and girls both look the same, so I was wasting my time. The heartrate was 162, however.

This is just a little picture of the foot. This was the first picture the tech took...I'm glad that they got better after this one!

In love with a diaper bag?

So I've been searching for a new diaper bag. I found this one at Buy Buy Baby made by Bananafish. I love that it looks like an actual bag and not like I'm schlepping with a big, bulky diaper bag. I would have to see this bag in person before I offically fall in love with it, but I like the looks of it online. Definitely worth a trip down to Rockville to check it out!

Out on FB

Finally made it official and annouced the baby on Facebook! So excited to hear from everyone! I love hearing about other people who are also expecting around the same time (Don't worry, I won't "out" you on my blog). It is nice to finally be happy for people who are pregnant without feeling that little twinge of jealousy deep down.

Still not feeling too many symptoms. I am getting more tired throughout the day, and I continue to miraculously lose weight. I could understand if I was nauseous and throwing up all the time, but I'm eating pretty regularly and not going out of my way to eat less. I guess my body is just burning more calories making a baby. Plus, being on my feet at work as opposed to sitting around all summer probably makes a difference as well. I am also more active in the morning getting Brady and myself ready and then making sure we do our afternoon routine when he gets off the bus. I'm pretty busy until Brad finally comes home (and then I collapse).

I am starting to feel gurgles and flutters in my tummy when I'm lying down and reading at night. I know it's too early to feel movement and kicks, but I'm pretty sure that I can recognize those flutters earlier than the first one.

Letting the Cat out of the Bag

It was such a fun day at work today letting everyone know our baby news. It was fun keeping the secret for two months, but it was even more fun to let the secret out. After trying for three years, and really trying hard the last year, all of our friends are so happy for us. I have the most supportive and loving friends that helped me through this last year and listened to (most definitely) TMI during our lunches. I was so proud and happy to let them know that we are finally pregnant! It was a great day!

September 17, 2010

August 18, 2010

Reassurance

I had a short meeting yesterday with my nurse at Kaiser. I guess they replaced the Prenatal I class with a one-on-one meeting with your nurse. This gave her time to go over all the different screenings, tests, and procedures they are going to do throughout the pregnancy. It was reassuring to talk to her and let her know that I did not feel pregnant in any way. She assured me that this was completely normal. In fact, when I got home after that afternoon, I was exhausted, and I have started (finally) to start feeling pressure in my lower abdomen. Friday is the big day when I meet with the doctor and get to hear the heartbeat for the first time!

Grapefruit

If my uterus was the size of a small grapefruit, wouldn't I feel something!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

Waiting to Tell

Now that I am far enough along (and hopefully everything is fine with the baby) we are debating when we should start letting people know that we are pregnant. I think that the most common reaction is going to be shock...not so much that we are having a baby, but that we were able to keep it a secret for nearly three months. You see, I have the biggest mouth in the world and can NEVER keep a secret. For some reason, this was one that I wanted to keep. After trying so hard for three years, and everything we went through, this was something I wanted to savor with just us before sharing it with other people. The biggest surprise has been Brady. He has known since the first day and hasn't let it slip to anyone (except maybe a few kids at school who he doesn't really know). Anyway, this upcoming week I have my appointment with the nurse and doctor, so final word on the health of the baby will come this week and the word will be out after Friday I am sure. One more week to enjoy our little secret!

Anxiety Setting In Again

I never felt so much anxiety when I was pregnant with Brady. I guess after so many years of hearing things that have happened to different friends and family with their pregnancies, I just have more to worry about. Part of my anxiety comes from wondering if this is still too good to be true. ...and knowing the risks with having PCOS. Ignorance truely was bliss with the first one.

I really have nothing to complain about since my pregnancy has essentially been perfect. I have had very little nausea, no vomiting, and I'm hardly tired at all. I'm not gaining weight yet or retaining any fluids, I'm not uncomfortable, or going to the bathroom more frequently. In fact, I feel so good that I wonder to myself if I actually am pregnant.

I have another appointment tomorrow with the nurse. I'm not sure if she is going to listen for the heartbeat, but believe me, I would feel so much better if I knew that everything was going okay in there.

First Day Back at Work

I didn't realize how difficult it would be to keep my pregnancy a secret from my coworkers. I was dying to tell them all day. Every time a date would come up, or we would be talking about scheduling for things in the spring...it made it even more difficult. I'm thankful that Tina knows...I would have exploded if I couldn't talk to her. I'm dying to tell Heather, Jennie, and Pam. They all know how hard it has been for me to get pregnant that they are just going to die when they hear this. At one point today it was just Heather and me sitting in our room doing work and I almost blurted it out. Self-control does not come easy for me. We have decided that we are going to tell our family on September 11th and we will tell our friends on September 24th.

I also heard back from the doctor about my progesterone level. He said that it was nothing to worry about. He wouldn't have been worried unless it dropped below 17. He said everything is progressing nicely. Since I've been nauseous beyond belief the past two days, I'm going to have to take his word for it and stop beeing a nervous Nelly!

Terrified

If anyone has ever told you NOT to look up medical advice on the computer, listen to them! I have just totally freaked myself out about my progesterone levels. We went to the doctor on Thursday and saw our little peanut on the ultrasound. Heartbeat was good, and the size of the baby was perfect for the timing. I had all my bloodwork completed at that appointment too and checked the results last night. On August 9th, my progesterone level was a nice 24.33 which the doctor was pleased with. On August 18th, it had dropped to 19.38. I know that the doctor looked at the results prior to posting them, and he didn't say anything. I'm also currently on Prometrium to help my progesterone levels. My stomach is in knots, and I'm not going to hear back from him until Monday. Pray, pray, pray that this is a normal dip due to the time of day of the tests and what I have had to eat and drink. This is driving me crazy!

First Ultrasound

It is official...there is a baby in my belly! Not that the gallons of bloodwork that I have given various doctors over the past three weeks weren't enough to let me know this, I had to see it with my own two eyes.

Today the baby is about 4.3 cm and we could see the little heartbeat fluttering on the monitor. This all still feels so unreal after struggling for three long years to try to get pregnant. Brady was there to see his new baby brother/sister and he was convinced at first glance that it was a boy...we shall see...the Bliven men are notorious for creating Bliven boys.

Tired?

So just when I thought that I hadn't been really tired so far this pregnancy...I was. Yesterday we went to see a movie, and I slept through the first half. I woke myself up by snoring and woke to have the side of my face and my hand covered in drool. I really think that it is all going to catch up with me when school starts in September. I have all these great plans to work out early in the morning and get Brady off the bus and get homework done and have dinner started when Brad gets home. What I think might actually happen is I will get Brady off the bus and then Brad will come home to a messy house, no dinner, no homework, me asleep on the couch, and Brady plugged into NickToons. Ugh!

hCG plugging along

I had another hCG test on Wednesday to ensure that my hCG levels were continuing to double every two days. It should have gone up about 2,000 and it only went up1,500, but Dr. Thompson said that he thinks that it looks great, and he has no concerns at this time. The next thing I have is my initial prenatal doctor's appointment next Wednesday at 2pm. I guess they will gather all the baseline information they need and they will do my first sonogram and determine the official due date. I really can't believe that this is all really happening and not falling apart around me. I am so grateful to God for this miracle.

So far I haven't been too tired or to nauseous. My tummy feels a little funny at times, but not really. My biggest symptom is breast tenderness. ouch!

Good News

I got the results of my bloodwork this morning, and everything is going fine with the baby. My HcG level was above 2,000 which is 600 more than what Shady Grove told me that they wanted it to be. I'm going to go back again tomorrow so they can continue to track my HcG and Progesterone levels. My Progesterone was up around 26. Things are all looking good and it just seems too good to be true. I'm waiting for the bad news bomb to drop at any moment now.

Nervous

I went in this morning for another round of bloodwork. They are going to continue to test my HcG to make sure that it shows that the baby is progressing. I've psychotically been calling the Dr. office every half hour to see if the test results are in yet. I have this horrible sinking feeling that I am going to call and they are going to tell me that there was a mistake, or that my HcG is not increasing.

The second time that I called today the nurse freaked me out by putting me on hold three different times before telling me that the test was still processing. I thought that I was going to pass out on hold. She said to call back aroud 4pm and I last called at 3:15...I'm going to try back again at 4. Until then, my stomach is in knots.

My baby tracker says that the baby's heart starts beating today...

Really!?!?!

Okay, so I definitely abandoned this blog after being so discouraged...so let me fill you in. I did ovulate with 150 mg of clomid, but didn't get pregnant. The second month I did not ovulate on 150mg of clomid, but the third month I did and did not get pregnant. We then met with the doctor and were referred to Shady Grove Fertility Center to explore IUI and IVF options. We did one more clomid cycle at 150mg while waiting for the referral to go through and although I did ovulate, we still didn't get pregnant.

At the beginning of July we met with the doctors and nurses at Shady Grove Fertility where they were confident that they could get me pregnant. After much thought, Brad and I decided that we were going to try three rounds of IUI in order to try and get pregnant. We had all the referrals filled out and ready to go and prescriptions for meds and injections in at Kaiser. We went to the beach the last week in July with my family and decided that upon our return we would take the injection class and get started on our first round of IUI.

This past Thursday, Brad and I went to the Baltimore UMD Shady Grove center to have a preliminary ultrasound and bloodwork done before starting Provera and to get trained on how to do the injections. The ultrasound showed a good uterine lining so I could start the Provera and it showed a large cyst on my left ovary. The nurse taught us how to mix the meds and how to administer the injections (which was very scary). We left a little scared, but a little excited. Our excitement was shattered on the car ride home.

I called Kaiser to check on my prescriptions to see if they were ready for pickup. She said that they had all come in and let me know that the total was going to be $695!!!! Now, don't get me wrong...I knew that IUI and any fertility experiments were going to be expensive...but we had just bought a new washer and dryer for a few hundred more than that and it took us almost six years to do that!!!! I cried the whole way home from the doctor feeling defeated and that life was so unfair for us. Do you know what you can buy for $700!?!?!? My dream has been to take Brady to Disney World before he gets too old, and that money is half of a trip to Disney World!...and that was just for the meds!

We decided to bypass Kaiser on the way home because we still needed to get a Provera prescription filled for me and a Doxycycline prescription filled for Brad. I figured that we should just pick them all up at one time. I got home and I called my nurse, Betsy, about getting the Provera prescription. She wasn't in the office, so I spoke to another nurse. The nurse was rattling off a note that Betsy had left on my file with a list of new prescriptions that she would like ordered and filled for me. I asked this nurse if $700 for the injectibles and the other meds was about average for the cost. The nurse stammered a little unsure of how to answer my question. She then said, "Hasn't anyone told you?" ..at this point, I was totally confused. She then let me know that my bloodwork from that morning showed that I was pregnant!

At this point, I screamed and cried as if someone had died. I was hysterical! Brad and Brady were both terrified about the news that I was going to give them when I hung up the phone. It really was completely unbelievable. It was the one month that we weren't "trying", where we weren't on any kind of fertility medicine. It was truly unthinkable!

That was about 36 hours ago, and life has not been the same since. Brad is already making plans for the nursery. I have picked out girl and boy bedding. I even started a registry! I go in again on Monday for more bloodwork and they are going to monitor me closely until I get out of the first trimester. I don't feel sick or tired (occasionally, but not like I was with Brady)...but it is still very early. Would I be surprised if I went in on Monday and this was all a mistake...no! I totally expect that I am going to go in on Monday and they are going to tell me that I'm not pregnant and that they must have made a mistake. I now pray that if I am, that this baby is healthy and that I carry it to term. The birthday would be in the beginning of April. We have decided not to find out the sex of the baby...this one is all about surprises!

Happy day!

Suprise of a Lifetime!

I got my progesterone tests back and I ovulated wtih 150mg of Clomid.  I was totally shocked because of all the months on Clomid, this is the one where I didn't "feel" anything - no side effects, nothing.  After crying for a good 15 minutes, I have to try to pick myself back up and get through this.  I never imagined this would happen.  I was gearing myself up to have to go to the fertility center and had begun researching IUI and IVF.  I'm in such a state of shock that this could actually be happening to me.  I always dreamed of the day that I could possibly get a positive pregnancy test, and it would be just a miracle. 

This is going to be a long hard road.  If I do happen to get pregnant (which I'm not getting my hopes up on just yet), then I have to worry about miscarriage and carrying a healthy baby while maintaining my weight through the entire thing.  God, this is my Easter miracle.

Dreams Crushed

I'm never going to have another baby.

Dashing Hopes

As soon as I convince myself that this really might be it..the nausea continued, the sleepiness increased, my breasts were more tender...all the signs appeared...and then they disappeared just as quickly.  Tomorrow I'm going for my progesterone test, so we will know in a couple days whether or not I even ovulated.  Still waiting...

Disappointment Waiting Right Around the Corner

In my last post I let you know that I thought I started ovulating about a week ago.  Well, since then the nausea has continued and my stomach is rumbly and gassy.  Now, of course, I know that if I really were pregnant, I wouldn't really feel anything.  I'm pretty sure that it is probably all the junk food I have eaten while being snowed in for the week...explains the bloating too.  A part of me is excited to find out if I did ovulate and could possibly be pregnant, but the other part knows that I'm just setting myself up for a huge letdown.  Why do I do this to myself?  I could definitely tell a difference in my body with the 100mg of Clomid, but I think that I'm definitely overthinking this entire thing.  The reason this is coming up is because we are going out tonight with Megan and Paul, and I really want to drink a margarita.  Do I partake even though there is a slight chance that I could be pregnant...or is it so slight that I should just relax and enjoy myself.  Now that I've just written it, I think relax is the way to go.  I can't live my life on pins and needles always hoping and thinking I"m pregnant.  Monday is my progesterone test, so I'll probably know by Tuesday or Wednesday if the 100mg of Clomid really had any impact.  Waiting...

O-uch?!?!?

This past week has been my fertile week, and we're still going this week as well.  I did notice that I am much crampier than usual, but haven't really felt like I have ovulated.  I used to be able to feel my body ovulate when I was younger.  Today in the car when we were driving to dinner, I got a sharp stabbing pain where my right ovary would be.  Could it have been ovulation?  I am still pretty convinced that I am not going to get there on clomid alone, but it was a good sign. 

I did take a pregnancy test this morning.  I have been feeling so nauseous for the past week that I thought, maybe?!?!  I wonder if my hormones really are responding to the clomid and that is what has been causing the nausea.  Something is happening.  Should I happen to get pregnant on this cycle, we will be in the hospital with all the other blizzard babies in nine months.

Long time

I have not posted recently.  This is for a number of reasons...the main reason being that I am not very hopeful that I will ever have another baby, and writing this just makes me feel even more desperate. 

This past weekend was Brady's 5th birthday.  It has been really hard for me to see him getting so big and knowing that this might be the only time I get the chance to see my baby grow up.  I have decided to step down from my team-leader position at school and go part time next year so that I can be home for Brady when he is in kindergarten.  If I only get one shot to do this mommy thing, I'm going to give Brady everything I have. 

I started my cycle last week, and this time took a double dose of Clomid (100mg).  Though I have had painful cramping, I do not feel as if I have ovulated, though I am only on day 9 of my cycle today.  It has been especially difficult to even track my cycles becuase I am never sure when my period actually begins.  Before the real bleeding begins, there are days when there is pink mucus when I wipe.  Nobody has definitively been able to tell me if that counts as menstruating or not.  I'm certainly not going to go and wipe at the doctor's office and ask him. 

Way down deep I feel that I could/should have another baby, but 75% of my being feels that it will never happen.  At this point, I can't even imagine what my life would be like to find that I actually am pregnant.  I have been disappointed for so long, that I don't even know what it would feel like to actually be successful, and how crazy my life would be.  I've even thought that maybe it is God's plan for me to have an only child.  I mean, everyone has more than one, so maybe I am special because I only have one, and not a half dozen.  I see other moms with two kids, and I don't even see myself in them.  I saw pictures of Greta and her two boys and feel jealous that Hillery will have that, and I never will.  

My baby is so big now, and I feel like life and time is just passing me by.  I  feel like a hamster running in a wheel, but not going anywhere.  How can I be trying and my body not react to anything!  It just makes me feel freakish. 

Pretty soon a bunch of girls at my work are going to be pregnant (within months).  I don't know if it will be harder to join thier ranks after all I have been through, or watch them go through it and still not be able to get pregnant.  I am so unsure of how it will even feel that it is scary.  While I am happy with my life as it is, it is frustrating to work so hard for something that you may never achieve.

No O

I did not ovulate on my last cycle. Even though the ovulation test strips were a little unpredictable, I think that they definitely helped me with my expectations. I was not expecting to ovulate based on the home tests, so it wasn't a major let-down when I got the news from my doctor.

I am now on Provera to bring on another period. I have doubled my dose of Clomid, so I'm now on 100mg instead of 50mg. I just knew that the 50mg wasn't going to work the second time. I have a very strong feeling that I am not going to ovulate with the Clomid and that I'm going to need the hormone injections to get pregnant.

It seems as if everyone is announcing their pregnancies right now, so I'm getting kind of numb to it. Everyone truly is pregnant except for me. The good thing is that most of them are Facebook friends, and not friends that I have to encouter and talk to every day.

I am starting to feel more comfortable with the idea of having only one if this doesn't work out. My life is good. I love my husband, my son, and our life. I am comfortable if this never happens and have made my peace with it. I am going to meet God halfway. I'll do my part here, and if it was meant to be, he will do his part on his end. This is all the more reason to savor every moment I have with Brady since I may never experience these events again with another child...giving me even more reason to go .8 next year to help him through his first year of Kindergarten.

Life is good!