Long time

I have not posted recently.  This is for a number of reasons...the main reason being that I am not very hopeful that I will ever have another baby, and writing this just makes me feel even more desperate. 

This past weekend was Brady's 5th birthday.  It has been really hard for me to see him getting so big and knowing that this might be the only time I get the chance to see my baby grow up.  I have decided to step down from my team-leader position at school and go part time next year so that I can be home for Brady when he is in kindergarten.  If I only get one shot to do this mommy thing, I'm going to give Brady everything I have. 

I started my cycle last week, and this time took a double dose of Clomid (100mg).  Though I have had painful cramping, I do not feel as if I have ovulated, though I am only on day 9 of my cycle today.  It has been especially difficult to even track my cycles becuase I am never sure when my period actually begins.  Before the real bleeding begins, there are days when there is pink mucus when I wipe.  Nobody has definitively been able to tell me if that counts as menstruating or not.  I'm certainly not going to go and wipe at the doctor's office and ask him. 

Way down deep I feel that I could/should have another baby, but 75% of my being feels that it will never happen.  At this point, I can't even imagine what my life would be like to find that I actually am pregnant.  I have been disappointed for so long, that I don't even know what it would feel like to actually be successful, and how crazy my life would be.  I've even thought that maybe it is God's plan for me to have an only child.  I mean, everyone has more than one, so maybe I am special because I only have one, and not a half dozen.  I see other moms with two kids, and I don't even see myself in them.  I saw pictures of Greta and her two boys and feel jealous that Hillery will have that, and I never will.  

My baby is so big now, and I feel like life and time is just passing me by.  I  feel like a hamster running in a wheel, but not going anywhere.  How can I be trying and my body not react to anything!  It just makes me feel freakish. 

Pretty soon a bunch of girls at my work are going to be pregnant (within months).  I don't know if it will be harder to join thier ranks after all I have been through, or watch them go through it and still not be able to get pregnant.  I am so unsure of how it will even feel that it is scary.  While I am happy with my life as it is, it is frustrating to work so hard for something that you may never achieve.