Really!?!?!

Okay, so I definitely abandoned this blog after being so discouraged...so let me fill you in. I did ovulate with 150 mg of clomid, but didn't get pregnant. The second month I did not ovulate on 150mg of clomid, but the third month I did and did not get pregnant. We then met with the doctor and were referred to Shady Grove Fertility Center to explore IUI and IVF options. We did one more clomid cycle at 150mg while waiting for the referral to go through and although I did ovulate, we still didn't get pregnant.

At the beginning of July we met with the doctors and nurses at Shady Grove Fertility where they were confident that they could get me pregnant. After much thought, Brad and I decided that we were going to try three rounds of IUI in order to try and get pregnant. We had all the referrals filled out and ready to go and prescriptions for meds and injections in at Kaiser. We went to the beach the last week in July with my family and decided that upon our return we would take the injection class and get started on our first round of IUI.

This past Thursday, Brad and I went to the Baltimore UMD Shady Grove center to have a preliminary ultrasound and bloodwork done before starting Provera and to get trained on how to do the injections. The ultrasound showed a good uterine lining so I could start the Provera and it showed a large cyst on my left ovary. The nurse taught us how to mix the meds and how to administer the injections (which was very scary). We left a little scared, but a little excited. Our excitement was shattered on the car ride home.

I called Kaiser to check on my prescriptions to see if they were ready for pickup. She said that they had all come in and let me know that the total was going to be $695!!!! Now, don't get me wrong...I knew that IUI and any fertility experiments were going to be expensive...but we had just bought a new washer and dryer for a few hundred more than that and it took us almost six years to do that!!!! I cried the whole way home from the doctor feeling defeated and that life was so unfair for us. Do you know what you can buy for $700!?!?!? My dream has been to take Brady to Disney World before he gets too old, and that money is half of a trip to Disney World!...and that was just for the meds!

We decided to bypass Kaiser on the way home because we still needed to get a Provera prescription filled for me and a Doxycycline prescription filled for Brad. I figured that we should just pick them all up at one time. I got home and I called my nurse, Betsy, about getting the Provera prescription. She wasn't in the office, so I spoke to another nurse. The nurse was rattling off a note that Betsy had left on my file with a list of new prescriptions that she would like ordered and filled for me. I asked this nurse if $700 for the injectibles and the other meds was about average for the cost. The nurse stammered a little unsure of how to answer my question. She then said, "Hasn't anyone told you?" ..at this point, I was totally confused. She then let me know that my bloodwork from that morning showed that I was pregnant!

At this point, I screamed and cried as if someone had died. I was hysterical! Brad and Brady were both terrified about the news that I was going to give them when I hung up the phone. It really was completely unbelievable. It was the one month that we weren't "trying", where we weren't on any kind of fertility medicine. It was truly unthinkable!

That was about 36 hours ago, and life has not been the same since. Brad is already making plans for the nursery. I have picked out girl and boy bedding. I even started a registry! I go in again on Monday for more bloodwork and they are going to monitor me closely until I get out of the first trimester. I don't feel sick or tired (occasionally, but not like I was with Brady)...but it is still very early. Would I be surprised if I went in on Monday and this was all a mistake...no! I totally expect that I am going to go in on Monday and they are going to tell me that I'm not pregnant and that they must have made a mistake. I now pray that if I am, that this baby is healthy and that I carry it to term. The birthday would be in the beginning of April. We have decided not to find out the sex of the baby...this one is all about surprises!

Happy day!

Suprise of a Lifetime!

I got my progesterone tests back and I ovulated wtih 150mg of Clomid.  I was totally shocked because of all the months on Clomid, this is the one where I didn't "feel" anything - no side effects, nothing.  After crying for a good 15 minutes, I have to try to pick myself back up and get through this.  I never imagined this would happen.  I was gearing myself up to have to go to the fertility center and had begun researching IUI and IVF.  I'm in such a state of shock that this could actually be happening to me.  I always dreamed of the day that I could possibly get a positive pregnancy test, and it would be just a miracle. 

This is going to be a long hard road.  If I do happen to get pregnant (which I'm not getting my hopes up on just yet), then I have to worry about miscarriage and carrying a healthy baby while maintaining my weight through the entire thing.  God, this is my Easter miracle.

Dreams Crushed

I'm never going to have another baby.

Dashing Hopes

As soon as I convince myself that this really might be it..the nausea continued, the sleepiness increased, my breasts were more tender...all the signs appeared...and then they disappeared just as quickly.  Tomorrow I'm going for my progesterone test, so we will know in a couple days whether or not I even ovulated.  Still waiting...

Disappointment Waiting Right Around the Corner

In my last post I let you know that I thought I started ovulating about a week ago.  Well, since then the nausea has continued and my stomach is rumbly and gassy.  Now, of course, I know that if I really were pregnant, I wouldn't really feel anything.  I'm pretty sure that it is probably all the junk food I have eaten while being snowed in for the week...explains the bloating too.  A part of me is excited to find out if I did ovulate and could possibly be pregnant, but the other part knows that I'm just setting myself up for a huge letdown.  Why do I do this to myself?  I could definitely tell a difference in my body with the 100mg of Clomid, but I think that I'm definitely overthinking this entire thing.  The reason this is coming up is because we are going out tonight with Megan and Paul, and I really want to drink a margarita.  Do I partake even though there is a slight chance that I could be pregnant...or is it so slight that I should just relax and enjoy myself.  Now that I've just written it, I think relax is the way to go.  I can't live my life on pins and needles always hoping and thinking I"m pregnant.  Monday is my progesterone test, so I'll probably know by Tuesday or Wednesday if the 100mg of Clomid really had any impact.  Waiting...

O-uch?!?!?

This past week has been my fertile week, and we're still going this week as well.  I did notice that I am much crampier than usual, but haven't really felt like I have ovulated.  I used to be able to feel my body ovulate when I was younger.  Today in the car when we were driving to dinner, I got a sharp stabbing pain where my right ovary would be.  Could it have been ovulation?  I am still pretty convinced that I am not going to get there on clomid alone, but it was a good sign. 

I did take a pregnancy test this morning.  I have been feeling so nauseous for the past week that I thought, maybe?!?!  I wonder if my hormones really are responding to the clomid and that is what has been causing the nausea.  Something is happening.  Should I happen to get pregnant on this cycle, we will be in the hospital with all the other blizzard babies in nine months.

Long time

I have not posted recently.  This is for a number of reasons...the main reason being that I am not very hopeful that I will ever have another baby, and writing this just makes me feel even more desperate. 

This past weekend was Brady's 5th birthday.  It has been really hard for me to see him getting so big and knowing that this might be the only time I get the chance to see my baby grow up.  I have decided to step down from my team-leader position at school and go part time next year so that I can be home for Brady when he is in kindergarten.  If I only get one shot to do this mommy thing, I'm going to give Brady everything I have. 

I started my cycle last week, and this time took a double dose of Clomid (100mg).  Though I have had painful cramping, I do not feel as if I have ovulated, though I am only on day 9 of my cycle today.  It has been especially difficult to even track my cycles becuase I am never sure when my period actually begins.  Before the real bleeding begins, there are days when there is pink mucus when I wipe.  Nobody has definitively been able to tell me if that counts as menstruating or not.  I'm certainly not going to go and wipe at the doctor's office and ask him. 

Way down deep I feel that I could/should have another baby, but 75% of my being feels that it will never happen.  At this point, I can't even imagine what my life would be like to find that I actually am pregnant.  I have been disappointed for so long, that I don't even know what it would feel like to actually be successful, and how crazy my life would be.  I've even thought that maybe it is God's plan for me to have an only child.  I mean, everyone has more than one, so maybe I am special because I only have one, and not a half dozen.  I see other moms with two kids, and I don't even see myself in them.  I saw pictures of Greta and her two boys and feel jealous that Hillery will have that, and I never will.  

My baby is so big now, and I feel like life and time is just passing me by.  I  feel like a hamster running in a wheel, but not going anywhere.  How can I be trying and my body not react to anything!  It just makes me feel freakish. 

Pretty soon a bunch of girls at my work are going to be pregnant (within months).  I don't know if it will be harder to join thier ranks after all I have been through, or watch them go through it and still not be able to get pregnant.  I am so unsure of how it will even feel that it is scary.  While I am happy with my life as it is, it is frustrating to work so hard for something that you may never achieve.